


same mistakes

by testosterlonely



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Second Chances, Spoilers for Episode 55, Unrequited Love, canon-compliant character death, past Mollymauk/Caleb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 12:35:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18135821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/testosterlonely/pseuds/testosterlonely
Summary: Caleb Widogast lost one man he loved without telling him how he felt. But this time, he won’t make the same mistake.Past unrequited Mollymauk/Caleb, spoilers for Campaign 2, episode 55.





	same mistakes

It has been three months, twenty days, six hours, and seven minutes since Caleb Widogast watched the first man he ever loved die. Not just die. Three months, twenty days, six hours, and seven minutes since he watched Mollymauk Tealeaf brutally murdered by Lorenzo. Since he realized that, once again, someone he loved died without knowing how much they meant to him. 

But how do you mourn a man whose love you never got to have? How do you explain the gut-wrenching pain of losing the future? Caleb had plans, had dreams, dreams of a life with Mollymauk, far from the circus and the Zemni fields. Plans, dashed by Lorenzo’s glaive. 

Mollymauk Tealeaf died without knowing Caleb loved him. 

Only a few days after Mollymauk’s death, another strangely colored man wandered into Caleb Widogast’s life. This man, though, was Mollymauk’s opposite in every way - calm to Molly’s frenetic, wise to Molly’s daring. He did not replace Mollymauk - he could never replace Mollymauk - but Mr. Clay smoothed the edges of Caleb’s grief, enough to make it able to bear. His presence was more life-saving than his Healing Word. 

But as Caleb felt his heart grow to love Caduceus, he felt the guilt that comes with moving on. How do you move on, though, from a love whose words you never spoke, whose lips you never kissed, whose heart never felt your own? How do you cheat on the ghost of a man who never loved you back? Is it possible to open your heart to a new love without closing the door on the first? 

Caleb got close to telling Caduceus everything, back in Felderwin. After he was honest, finally, with the rest of the Nein about Bren, about his family, his sins. After he realized that Caduceus, strong, sweet, kind Caduceus still watched him with the same eyes after his confession. “You’re the solution,” Caduceus had told him, and for a moment, Caleb believed it. 

But there was no time - they had to rush, to travel through the tunnels and find their way to Xhorhas, and Caleb lost the courage. Plus, he reasoned with himself, if he confessed how he felt before they travelled through the tunnels, it would be hard for Caduceus to avoid him, especially in the tiny hut. 

But now, weeks later, it has been two hours and nine minutes since Caleb Widogast watched the second man he ever loved die in front of him. Since he watched Jester cast Revivify. Since he realized he got a second chance. A chance to tell Caduceus how he feels. Caleb had nearly died himself, four times over, in the same battle that took Caduceus’ life. 

Caleb Widogast will not make the same mistake a third time. 

The last two hours have been a blur of rest and spells and dragging their aching bodies back to safety. For every step, Caduceus has been by Caleb’s side - “I feel fine, Mr. Caleb, let me help you”, Caduceus tells him, guiding him through the tunnels. But finally, blissfully, they have returned to their meager housing for the night's rest, and Caleb knows what he has to do. 

Pulling out his copper wire, Caleb casts a quick Message to Fjord, asking him to give him and Caduceus a few moments together to speak before he joins them for bed. Fjord gives him a questioning look, but nods and asks Yasha if she can give him a back rub before they rest, following the girls back to their shed. 

Hands sweating, Caleb steels his resolve and asks quietly, “Mr. Clay, before we rest, there’s something I - uh - I would like to talk to you about, if you have the time for me.”

“Of course, Mr. Caleb. I always have time for you,” Caduceus responds with a smile, and Caleb feels his stomach flutter, threatening to eject the flavorless conjured food Caduceus had insisted he eat what feels like years ago, before they wandered into the tunnels. Before Caduceus died. 

Swallowing deeply, Caleb says, quietly at first, “Mr. Clay - Caduceus - I, I just watched you die. I, I - I thought we lost you forever.” Caduceus opens his mouth to interrupt, to try to comfort, but Caleb continues, voice shaking. “I thought I lost you forever. Like I lost Mollymauk. Caduceus - I- I loved Mollymauk Tealeaf. And I lost him. I watched him die, like I just watched you die. And I never told him how I felt. I will never, never make that mistake again.” 

Caleb pauses, calming his breathing down, watching as Caduceus processes what he was just told. “I love you, Caduceus Clay. Not like I love Nott, or Jester, or even Beauregard. I am - I know I am - in love with you. And you might not feel the same, which is understandable, gods, after everything that I have done, and everything that happened today, but… I cannot live with the regret again.”

Caleb stops, eyes on the taller firbolg, and places his hand on Caduceus’s cheek, probably looking ridiculous on his tippy-toes. “I love you, Mr. Clay. I just… needed you to know.” Caleb falls silent and waits, looking for a sign from Caduceus, an emotion, anything. Happiness, confusion, anger - anything to show that his message was passed and this wasn’t just a fever dream. 

Not for the first time that day, tears begin to flow down Caleb’s face, and he moves to wipe them away, but he is interrupted by a larger, fuzzy hand clearing them away instead. He feels a sudden pressure on the top of his head - he realizes with a start that it is a kiss on his sweaty, blood-streaked hair - and hears that tiny, familiar whisper in his ear. 

“I love you too, Mr. Caleb.”

The tears flow harder, and sobs wrack Caleb’s body, the smaller man collapsing into Caduceus’s warm arms. The last four hours have been a blur of fear and mind control and flame, and Caleb’s confession took out the last bit of wall holding back the flood of emotion. 

“We, we need to talk tomorrow, Mr. Caleb, to determine what this means - I’m sure Jester will have advice for us,” Caduceus tells him, softly picking Caleb up and carrying him over to their makeshift bedrolls, “but for tonight, we should rest.”

Sniffling, Caleb nods, and curls himself up on the floor, not even bothering to remove his clothing. Caduceus pulls him close, and the two fall asleep together. Tomorrow, they will wake up to a new world, one where they may have to write the rules as they go. But tonight, Caleb holds up his promise to Mollymauk’s memory - he does not make the same mistake a third time.

**Author's Note:**

> I knew I had to write this as soon as Episode 55 ended. 
> 
> Thank you to the Clayleb server for the encouragement - I appreciate y’all! 
> 
> Find me screaming about Critical Role on Tumblr @ testosterlonely!


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